texts from a nerd

  • elge: we will pick you up on the way.
  • charley: acknowledged. please do provide a communications relay upon your departure toward my coordinates.
  • elge: i'm getting gas, and about to head that way. also, do you have a shirt that i can borrow?
  • charley: affirmative. according to my memory databases, i possess several articles of your clothing.
  • elge: nevermind on the shirt.
  • charley: request retraction acknowledged. initiate protocols to leave my residence on my mark. GO.

2 . 13 . 2

here is another that i have read over again.

also persistently pertinent!

——

you know what’s totally fucking unfair?

the fact that being an intelligent and “deep” queer guy gets you absolutely nowhere. it seems like if i were to abandon all my morals and run around and fuck whoever is around and basically use my body and sex appeal to validate myself, i would never be as lonely as i’ve felt lately. the lonely feeling doesn’t get me down, but it’s always there, lurking.

unfortunately, i’m not that type. i would much rather be engaged in a battle of wits or a provocative conversation. teach me something. learn something from me. stimulate my fucking mind or i don’t want to have sex with you. it seems like such a simple concept, but it breeds complicated relationships. or even worse, totally worthless ones. i always end up being the bad guy because i grow bored with stupid people and don’t particularly care for gay culture as a whole. don’t get me twisted, i am proud to be gay and relish in gay victories. but i hate lady gaga. i don’t like to shop for hours. i’m not overtly feminine (or masculine, for that matter). i am not vain, though i do pretend a lot. the best way to describe my opinion of myself would be “proud of what i’ve become,” if i had to decide. i accept myself just the way i am. i’m not confident because i’m sexy. i’m sexy because i’m confident.

the real point here is that being all these things and being on a rather different track than the “typical gay experience,” i get overlooked sometimes, and people are intimidated by me. i think that’s silly, but i suppose i can understand it. in fairness, i could probably resort to typical gay behavior to get laid or whatever, but that’s such a hollow victory for me. anyone can take someone home from the bar…it takes a master of patience and honor to wait for someone worthwhile.

i would venture to say that this condition extends beyond the lgbt community. i consider myself a rather intelligent person, and am often disappointed in the blatant stupidity of humanity as a whole. some people are just so content to be stupid and fall in line with the status quo. it repulses me on some level. when people just don’t even fucking try. when people just accept ignorance…accept an average result. it’s pitiful.

i know i must not be alone in my predicament, but that leaves a question burning: where are the others?

2 . 8 . 2

i haven’t really looked at this since i wrote it and posted it in February.

it snuck into my mind the other day, and i had to re-share it. it is so relevant, still! continually relevant.

i’m getting pretty good at being lonely in a crowded place, anymore.

—-

have you ever woken up in a dream and were still dreaming?

i have been on that train for days and days. am i awake right now?

i wonder a lot of the time about my dreams. are they important? do they have any meaning or significance? or are they just some fantasy wonderland that my mind created? you know, you cannot invent faces. all the faces you see in your dreams are faces you’ve seen in real life. it kindof bothers me that i don’t recognize all those people. i do recognize some people, but they seldom act like they do in wakefulness.

it’s also interesting to me that i usually don’t get my way in dreams, but i usually do in wakefulness. i really want to spend time practicing lucid dreaming. then i could control my dreams and have a fulfilling sex life. that would be awesome. haha!

but in reality, i think i would dream about being intimate with another, rather than raunchy sex scenes. i miss that more than anything. looking across the room to someone and almost bursting at the seams, or laying awake in bed with them and talking for hours in that quiet, almost hoarse tone that somehow breeds trust and meditative coexistence. interlacing hands and revealing our souls and minds to each other. that feeling is so magical, but seems so foreign anymore. i wonder if i still have the capacity to feel that way. being patient is important, but it gets old after a while. where is the boy in my dreams? where is my fairytale happy ending?

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