na'a mna werba: Archive

May 31, 20111,571 notes

i’ve found myself continually coming back to marveling at how good happiness feels. as an overarching way-i-feel-and-see-the-world, it’s a relatively new experience. i spent most of my second decade feeling pretty miserable. i didn’t necessarily recognize that at the time, but the contrast between ‘then’ and ‘now’ is so clear to me.

i spent some time trying to think about whether i could come up with any easy explanation and was generally unsuccessful. a lot of it had to do with just getting older and defining a value system that works for me and things like that, but it was difficult to come up with a coherent, continuous story line that accounts for so many years and so many different ways of being that i’ve inhabited along the way. i also question the value of even attempting something like that. any understanding of my own history that i’m capable of reaching today is bound to be a rewriting of things, inevitably skewed by the place in which i find myself in this moment. what i find more interesting than some sort of false ‘this is why i was depressed when i was 18/this is why i’m happy now’ narrative is the following:

i think that everyone has a tendency to blame unhappiness on material circumstances of life. to be sure, the ins and outs of one’s daily experience do have an enormous impact upon a more broadly defined experience of life and hence upon mood and affect. if everything just fucking sucks, you can bet that life is no picnic. on the other hand, though, i’m realizing that it’s important to keep in mind the limitations that circumstance should have upon your overall outlook. if i were to make a list of my discontents, specific things i’m not happy with, i could go on for days. there’s a lot about the way that i’m living that i’m not thrilled about. yet at the end of most days, i’m able to appreciate the things that make life worthwhile. it’s unclear to me as of yet why that’s something that wasn’t possible for me before now. surely i’ve always had things to be grateful for. some of it probably does reflect changes in some specific circumstances, tangible things i can point to, say ‘aha.’ i’m sure it’s more than that. until i can figure it out more completely, though, it’s nice to just enjoy.

this just makes me happy.

May 31, 201126 notes

May 31, 2011322 notes

May 31, 20118,573 notes

May 31, 2011548 notes

May 31, 20111,514 notes

na'a mna werba

June 2011

May 2011